Fractured Image

I grew up without a fret of the possibility that my beauty, my image, my self-worth was in fact not beautiful, not acceptable, and worthless. I was raised that way. My mirrors showed me a girl, no deformities. I had heard tales of women looking through a fractured mirror. Broken, only to show each imperfection taking over their image. Or maybe these women had a beautiful mirror like mine but over time the words of the people around them layered on to the reflection like dust; creating a dark image that was not good enough... blocking the light from being seen.

Of course, to say that I have never seen imperfections in myself or had days I didn't look like a runway model about to take on the catwalk would be lies. I have flaws that's something we all live with, even the models.  Yet, I was okay with how I appeared. I have never felt the need to cake make-up onto my face, I felt sorry for the ones who do. There are days I try harder and days I just do not care. Usually a wisp of mascara and some eyeliner keep me going.

I have been an Oklahoma City Barons Ice Girl since September of 2012.
Now, most people would say who? what? Barons? Ice girl? So, let me explain. The Barons Ice Girls are an 'interactive" team for Oklahoma Cities professional hockey league. No, we do not dance. Yes, we do wear clothes. Yes, being called a "cheerleader" is probably an accurate description. Yet we are in no way Thunder Girls. We do not sell that image (something I have always loved and admired), we are there to promote in the community and make game experiences fun for our fans. The standard of looks is not as high as many professional sports cheer teams. The big hair, glitz, and glam were never encourage. In fact, it was discouraged that girls cake on make up and go all out to be "sexy." So my curled or straightened hair, eyeliner and mascara-sometimes more, was never an issue. I could have fun, support the team I love, as well as be comfortable.

Yesterday after an event I worked, I received an email from what would be considered my "boss" that my appearance was not acceptable and the I needed to better my self when in uniform. When first reading the e-mail I was confused and had to read it again to make sure I wasn't misinterpreting. My hair was straightened, and I had on my usual mascara. Did I miss something? Had my mirror actually been broken this entire time and I didn't know it? It hit me hard. Though the word ugly was not once uttered in the e-mail it was the only word rolling through my head. Suddenly my reflection was disgusting. It wasn't enough. After consulting two of my teammates and my dad I made the decision to quit. In a heartbroken furious rage I informed him that his words were unacceptable and I would no longer be working for that team. For the rest of the day I was in despair. In a flash I was now the girl in the tales, and a fairy tale it was not. I was the one with a mirror producing a fractured image.

Mind swirling, I wanted him gone. Fired from ever working with another woman again. Especially being in charge of a group of 16 young women who should think they are nothing other than beautiful.  WHAT gives anyone- man or woman- the right to tell another human that they arnt their "best self." The only person who should be correcting my image, and working on my looks is me. I need my approval and that's final. I'm always down to better myself and if that means taking advice from someone then please, advice I will take. Advice is not what I received. That e-mail was rude and not thought through. Words to describe men who degrade women in such a way are so unholy. I wanted to yell every swear word I could think up. Though words from friends and a comforting visit from my boyfriend we're soothing to the soul, I still had a distorted image of myself. At the end of the day what was I left with? Frustration. Hurt. And no job. I had lost.

Waking up this morning I thought "new day, positive attitude" and yes, I even woke up singing I'm a boss ass bitch to encourage myself. No matter how hard I try, all I can focus on is the situation. Leaving school I talked myself into a trip to Target to visit the "beauty" isles. Purchasing branded make-up to doll myself up. I left smoldering. Getting home I layered it on. A mask. I could feel its uncomfortable weight on me. It wasn't me in the mirror. I didn't like my reflection. Transforming into a covergirl was so unglamourous.

The pressure to pursue a certain image is constantly hammered into the heads of women from every angle. Magazines, commercials, famous stars rocking their photo shopped style, and sadly even the people around us. If that is what a girl wants, if make-up and glam is how she finds her beauty then rock on. That is not me. I can define my beauty without it.

Moving forward I'm still upset. I still hope that actions taken do not go unpunished. But mostly I hope that girls, no matter where or what the circumstances, are able to define their beauty on their own terms. That no matter what degrading words are spoken to them they can stand up for themselves, dust off their mirrors and realize that they are beautiful in their imperfections.